bringer of joy

the following piece is one of the three short essays from my newest poetry collection, ‘please look into the mirror.’ i’m sharing it today in honour of beatrice’s seventh birthday. i hope this snippet of my sweet girl brings you as much joy as she has brought me.

i first met beatrice in july of 2018, four months after my first book came out. i did not become an overnight success and because of the immense pressure i put on myself and the book, i needed immediate rescuing.

enter beatrice. i found her in an online ad—her owner was moving? or getting divorced? or getting a new job? or all three? (still unclear) and she was the first french bulldog puppy i had seen with a longer snout (easier breathing felt more ethical to me). her name was originally peach. she peed on her previous owner’s carpet a few minutes after i greeted her. definitely not because she was excited about meeting me–it more felt like an act of protest. but then i held her in my arms. and just like that, she was my dog.

why beatrice? when i was in high school, one of my favorite twitter comedians named their daughter bea and i hadn’t been able to get it out of my head since. it was absolutely going to be the name of my first child. or dog.

having a puppy while depressed was extremely challenging. she pooed in her crate after being inside my house for only two minutes. she ate rocks, cigarette butts, and will still eat almost anything she can fit into her mouth.

but she also took me on walks every day. and i started paying attention to flowers because she sniffed them all. and i spent less time on my phone. and i noticed the wind, and leaves falling, and seasons changing in a way i never had before. because i saw it all through her eyes, too.

a few months after getting bea, i looked up the meaning of her name. it means ‘bringer of joy.’ and in the darkest part of my life up until that point, joy was exactly what she brought me.

i heard somewhere that your subconscious can’t differentiate between what you say about someone else and what you say about yourself. so any words you say about others—whether loving or nasty—your subconscious interprets them as something you’re saying about yourself.

because i have beatrice in my life, there are so many more loving words shared. and when i say she’s the cutest girl in the world, maybe a part of my subconscious thinks i’m saying it about me. or when i say i love her with my whole heart, maybe inner me thinks i mean that about me too. and when i say i’m so grateful to be alive at the same time as her, i hope a part of me hears that i feel lucky to experience my soul in this body.

bea was my first mirror of unconditional love, and she brings joy to spaces that previously only knew darkness.

dogs can’t read (as far as i know) but regardless–

i love you, bea

you can learn more about ‘please look into the mirror’ here.