calmer in airports

since the beginning of this year, i’ve been in yoga therapy as an overarching attempt to reset my nervous system. with each session, i find myself more in tune with my body, more aware of why it gives me the signals it does, more appreciative of how intelligent it is.

in a recent session, i was talking to my therapist about how i generally feel a sense of impending doom. that most of the time, i’m on pretty high alert, albeit usually unconsciously. i’m looking out for patterns, looking out for danger.

april was a pretty chaotic month. my partner suffered a huge loss. i was sick for over a week. and yet, amidst the tragedy, chaos, and not feeling quite right, i also felt a sense of calm.

like the alarm bells were quiet.

the more i talked to my therapist about it, the more we unpacked my ability to be calm amidst what seemed like a “good” reason for my nervous system to be in a tailspin.

she talked about the ancestral importance of having a “villager” who was on high alert. how in many ways, my body did learn to be this way in order to protect myself and others.

and how, maybe even genetically, i am the one always looking for chaos. and because i am ready for it, because it always feels like its around every corner, when it comes, i am calm. i can respond as needed.

i brought up how this kind of ancestral explanation resonated with the way i feel in airports.

in airports, everyone’s head is on a swivel. the entire rhetoric of an airport sets the average person up to be on high alert. no one is bumbling around. there is no moseying.

except for me. in an airport, i finally feel calm. finally, everyone else seems to have a sense of potential impending danger. I CAN FINALLY RELAX.

it feels like everyone is finally sensing the doom i feel on the daily. that i don’t have to be the most responsible person in the room. that for once, someone else is paying attention.

do i want high cortisol and dysregulation all the time? no.

but does understanding myself in this way give me a little more appreciation for how and why my body functions? absolutely.

as i continue yoga therapy, i will continue to seek moments of safety. for ways to reassure my nervous system.

but what i didn’t necessarily expect was to find this new appreciation for it. that even though i deserve more states of neutrality, my sense of impending doom isn’t for nothing. and though there’s pain in it, maybe i deserve to appreciate my inherit preparedness in a way i haven’t been able to before.

xoxo
m

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