i wasn't planning on crying today
but the moon in cancer didn't care
hello my dearests!
i stayed up very late last night for seemingly no reason… maybe it was the iced tea i had in the late afternoon? ya girl is caffeine-sensitive as hell.
this letter comes at you from a somewhat foggy brain, but that could be fun, right? (ed: spoiler alert, it gets kind of… not fun 😂)
what’s a virgo
we are well into our second week of virgo season, so i wanted to touch on the ways i think virgo energy is useful and what to watch out for.
depending on the make up of your chart, virgo energy could affect you differently, but i find it’s the best time to just get things done. virgo rewards dedication of any kind, and is a little more forgiving than capricorn, which is pretty results focused.
virgo is also one of the most healing signs in the zodiac. the astrologer i work with, corina crysler, often talks about chiron and healing past life wounds in tandem with virgo. if you’re not familiar with chiron, it’s an asteroid that moves between saturn and uranus, and is known as the wounded healer of the zodiac because it shows your past life patterns. i like to think of it as your achilles heel, or the main wound you’ve carried into this life that you’re meant to overcome (think: turning pain into purpose).
if you use astro.com to get your birth chart, it will also tell you your chiron placement. and if you want to get into healing past life wounds, googling your chiron (look up the house it’s in–matters more than the sign) is a great place to start.
though i’m not 100% sure what my mission on this earth is, a big part of my wound as a third house chiron is not feeling heard. when i look back at my childhood, i was often told to be quiet or shamed by adults for sharing my opinions… and (not to quote chris brown but) look at me now!
all that said, i’m going to use this virgo energy to start putting book four together. i really love the seasons at the end of the year for finishing a project–virgo for purpose, planning and getting everything together, libra for taking a step back and gaining objectivity, scorpio for getting a little dirty and digging deeper to add more honesty, sagittarius for luck and expanding the vision, and finally, capricorn, to get practical, plan the final actions, and feel a sense of completion.
virgo season “warnings”
if you are prone to having a sore tummy or any kind of digestive issues, add a little awareness to your gut right now. i’m not a doctor, but i’ve been taking twice as many probiotics just in case. and if you’re a crystal person, dalmatian jasper is an awesome stone for digestion and virgo placements in general.
though virgo loves dedication, as a mercury-ruled sign (i think of virgo as gemini’s partner in crime in a lot of ways, since they’re both ruled by mercury), it loves to be critical. if you start working on a project and it doesn’t totally go as planned, give yourself a break!
last thing–virgo season is the best time to become aware of the ways you can nurture and heal YOURSELF. i say this with emphasis because virgo season will have you wanting to be up in everyone else’s business. with that critical eye, virgo can see the exact ways in which everyone around you needs help. just remember, the more you fill up your own cup, the more you’ll naturally pour into others.
i’ll be writing even more about virgo for the virgo new moon on monday, september 6th. if you have questions about where the new moon falls in your chart or want to know more about your chiron placement, you can sign up for a paid subscription to get that exclusive update and a mini reading from me in the comments.
i’m not crying, you’re crying
that’s right, the moon is in cancer. i honestly don’t feel as sad as i usually do during a cancer moon (at least not yet). maybe it’s cause i’m happy the heat wave is over and i get to wear sweaters (if you’re not over summer, i’m sorry, but i would love a nice, crisp fall this year).
i was going to write more about healing and nurturing, but this drake meme has inspired me to get into how cancers are also the fuckers of the zodiac–hear me out!
cancer placements have the best sense of humour. i think their connection to other people and sensitivity to situations lets them read the room in the best way. they’re great at saying what everyone’s thinking and calling out the elephant in the room, which is often hilarious. they feel heaviness in a different way, and we know humour can be one of the best remedies for grief.
so ya, today’s a good day to get into your feels. but also use that attunement to look for humour in situations you might usually miss.
my legs have a table
if you missed my instagram stories, this is what my dining room looked like for about a week.
drumroll please…
i have a table! i am so happy i have somewhere to sit and eat breakfast, check emails, and most importantly, write this letter! but would i recommend the company i bought it from? no 😂
i’m glad i picked up these vintage cesca chairs so i have something to sit on for the next two months, but i will be getting four matching wishbone chairs from structube when they’re in stock in october. i’ll probably use one of the cesca chairs in my eventual office and maybe sell the other. the original plan was to get a bench and mix and match the chairs, but the bench i wanted isn’t available until february, and nice vintage chairs are surprisingly hard to find. we live and we learn!
it’s very cool to see my little mood board slowly come to life.
where the magic happens
my next project is the master bedroom!
i know if you’re not ordering furniture right now, you probably don’t care, but it is a bonkers time to order furniture. i originally ordered a bed from rug and weave, but after contacting them, i found out it was out of stock until november. oh, and white glove delivery wasn’t available for the specific bed i ordered (aka i was gonna have to lug that thing up my stairs and assemble it myself). based on their website, i thought it was going to be here and assembled in a month… so i canceled my order.
one thing i’m learning is that a lot of newer furniture companies do not have logistics or communication down. which is understandable, it’s a global pandemic and the supply chain is fucked, but me and my empty house do not have patience for it!
though these furniture sagas are definitely frustrating, it all worked out, because i decided to order my dream boucle bed from cb2 instead! it also comes in november, but that was clearly stated on their website, and they only charge your card for a deposit (half the cost plus shipping) before it’s in stock. as someone who manically watches my credit card balance, this is very important to me. cb2 also has SMS updates (so i don’t have to bother them to find out when the bed will be shipped), along with assembly included in delivery–yay!
i originally talked myself out of it because it is ridiculously priced for a bed frame, but i plan to live in this house for a long time, so why not have a bed i love!
i will let you know if it actually comes in november.
poetry prompt
i didn’t know if i was gonna write about this in today’s letter, but the moon is in cancer, so it’s a good time to lean into things that make me cry.
today (yesterday when you read this) is my mom’s birthday. i haven’t talked to her today–i haven’t talked to her since march 2020 (unrelated to the pandemic).
yes, she is a virgo sun (cancer rising, gemini moon).
around the beginning of 2020, through therapy, i started gaining insight into how my interactions with my mom were affecting my self-esteem. i started to notice that a very large chunk of the overly critical voice in my head wasn’t me, it was her. and it had gotten to the point where i had to fight HARD against that voice. when i didn’t have fight left in me, i would succumb to decisions made in fear. and that was without even talking to her.
whenever i told her plans or accomplishments, she would make sure the voice was there to stay: you’re still not good enough, i don’t trust the decisions you make, you are a silly little girl.
i asked for space after one particularly unpleasant interaction, and she continued to contact me through various means without ever apologizing. looking back, i don’t know if it’s that my request wasn’t completely clear, if she didn’t care that i needed a break, or maybe a little bit of both.
after that, i restated my need for space a few times, but it was continuously ignored, so i went on a blocking spree. instead of apologizing or going inwards, my mom continued to hammer away at the wall i was trying to put up, messaging me from different platforms, emailing me from different accounts. none of the messages were really about reconciling with me. she wanted me to know that she still knew what was going on with me. she is a big fan of the phrase “i love you no matter what”, as if to imply that my actions could make me unworthy of love, when her actions made me feel that way anyways.
she eventually gave up–the last i heard from her was after i announced i quit my job in december. going no contact with my mom has been one of the hardest things i’ve done in my life. my inner child just wants to watch the young and the restless with her while we rub each other’s feet.
so why am i still not talking to her? i am 99% sure i wouldn’t have come out as bisexual, quit my job, accepted a publishing deal, or bought a house if we were still in contact.
(if you relate to any of this, i recommend following the account in the post linked above!)
i can see a day in the future where i feel solidified enough in myself to keep taking risks and making big decisions while having a relationship with her, but that day isn’t today.
if you read all this, thank you for letting me share. i haven’t written anything publicly about my mom, but with the encouragement of virgo, it feels good to get it out (even if it’s through a lot of tears).
this leads me to this week’s prompt: write a poem to your mom
this poem is from the first section of please love me at my worst, please love my inner child.
i didn’t say happy birthday
for the first time
in twenty-seven years
i cried for three days instead
how do you draw boundaries
when your inner child just wants closeness
how do you cut off someone who hurts you
when you just want to love her
and now for a tiktok
if you are working on reparenting your inner child, i have a feeling you’ll love abby. i feel so much resonance with her quirkiness and i love how her parents encourage her light. i definitely have mixed feelings about kids on tiktok, but her parents have done a lot to show that they’re not trying to make her into a child star, they just want to share sweet moments.
after watching this, i am crying laughing.
this letter feels very long AND emotionally heavy, so honestly congrats and thank you if you’ve read all of this.
as always, please share your poems in the comments. if you have a happy mom poem, don’t even feel bad, i still feel very connected to my mom’s positive energy and nurturing in general.
if you want the new moon update in your inbox on monday, you can subscribe to the paid version of pitter patter here:
and if you know anyone who’s also not talking to their mom (lol but not lol), feel free to share pitter patter with them.
love you lots,
xoxo
m
poetry prompt hit hard today.
Thanks for dinner,
the starbucks gift card too.
i hope this absolution,
is enough to carry you through.
just know this isn't the first time,
but the last is coming soon.