on bodily autonomy
yoga, doctors and the dentist
editor’s note: this one kind of goes on a wild ride… if anything i hope my rambling makes you feel validated
recently i’ve been thinking about bodily autonomy and how, still at 31, i’m slowly coming to terms with how my body is my own.
from a young age, i got so many signals that my body didn’t fully belong to me.
“if you get a tattoo i’ll be heartbroken”
“if you pierce your nose you’ll be able to see the hole forever”
“don’t you dare cut your hair”
“cover up, i can see cleavage”
after receiving these signals for years, i’ve had to start consciously unpacking the ways in which i’m giving up my autonomy.
on yoga
yoga has been a big part of this for me.
in a yoga class i went to last week, the instructor said–
“you can leave at any time, just give me a thumbs up so i know you’re okay.”
and it made me think about all the times i’ve been somewhere and felt like i couldn’t leave. even if i really needed to. because other people would think i was rude. or simply because of this inner knowing that i shouldn’t go against societal expectations.
often, in the yoga classes i attend, the instructors let us know that we can essentially do whatever we want in class. we don’t have to follow the prompts exactly. we can lie on the mat the whole time if that’s what we need. we can stay in certain poses for longer. we can stop to take a drink.
though i’ve been doing yoga for over ten years, these prompts have started to resonate more and more with me.
it seems so small, but while in a class with ten other people who are all following the instructor, it felt wrong to stop to take a drink or a break while the rest of the class continued.
like i was being distracting or going against the grain.
but the more i do it–stay in a pose longer than everyone else, take child’s pose while the class continues–the more it’s rewired my brain in other aspects of my life.
on doctors
stay with me here–but a big part of where this has come up is engaging with medical providers.
disclaimer: i believe in the decades of research and efficacy of vaccines, i’m referring to individual ailments being treated by individual practitioners
in the society i grew up in, medical providers were seen as all knowing, trustworthy and high status.
they’re in demand. you need to book an appointment with them, and it’s often later than you want it to be. you have to wait to see them in a room with all the other non-doctors. and when you get to the exam room, you have to wait to see them again.
you know they’re busy (probably busier than you) and you inherently respect them because they help people. they save lives.
when you try to give them information about your symptoms that you found online, they often roll their eyes.
i’m not saying that doctors shouldn’t be trusted–modern medicine is great and i’m very thankful for it.
what i am saying is that there’s so much that goes into creating this experience where you feel like you should trust someone else over yourself.
you know your body better than anyone else. and while the consult of someone who studied the human body for eight (or more) years is valuable, your knowledge of your body over your lifetime is also valuable.
a lot of doctors are up-to-date on current medicine, new studies, new scientific findings, but a lot of doctors are not. a lot of doctors know that BMI is racist and not super useful for modern populations, but a lot of doctors still use it.
i’ve heard countless stories of people getting diagnosed incorrectly (or not at all) because they were a different race than their doctor (often Black), or because the doctor immediately associated their issues with being fat (which didn’t end up being the case, and the patient suffered because of the doctor’s oversight).
so much of what doctors learned in school was based on the average thin white male. and if your doctor also happens to be a thin white male and you are not, you probably have a lot of useful information about your body that they were never taught and don’t have the lived experience of.
now i’m yapping but–go to the doctor if you need to! take their opinions as a consult! get a second, or third opinion if something feels off!
on dentists
as someone with extreme dental anxiety that would prefer to not go to the dentist at all, this is one of those things that i could talk about for hours.
when i was younger, i did what most of us did. i went to the dentist every eight months (shout out to my mom’s teacher insurance). i opened my mouth and i shut up. when they told me i had a cavity that needed sand blasting, i didn’t question it. when they gave me fluoride, i swished it around for ninety seconds.
until one appointment, when i was sixteen, and my dental anxiety had just started to develop. as i was more sentient as a teenager, i started to realize that some dental hygienists were actually hurting my mouth. i was sore after, i bled during. during this one particular appointment (don’t judge me–i was an undiagnosed autistic minor), the hygienist was scraping my gums so bad and i didn’t know how to get her to stop. so i bit her. and she stopped.
i honestly don’t remember what happened after, but i left town for university so i don’t think i went back there again.
now that i’m an adult, i have much better coping mechanisms than biting the dental hygienist (don’t do that).
but still, even when i raise my hand, even when i say it hurts and ask for a break, some dental hygienists keep going! they say “oh, well, i just got to get this one bit.”
no you don’t!
honestly it’s on par with my experience with men and their understanding of consent (i’m not even kidding).
do i believe that dental cleanings are helpful to reduce plaque and cavities? yes. do i take two extra strength tylenol before and get one once a year? yes.
do i see the dentist (vs. the dental hygienist) every time i visit for an extra $200 (i’m uninsured, baby)? no.
do i let them give me an x-ray when my mouth feels perfectly healthy? no.
do i ask them what everything cost before they do it to me? yes.
dentistry is one of the least regulated medical professions. if this is peaking your interest, i have a whole article for you to read (it’s worth signing up for a free trial for).
tl;dr it shares the well-documented case of a dentist who sold his practice. the new dentist who bought it from him found out that he was encouraging patients to have multiple complicated procedures (root canals, crowns) that they didn’t need just to make more money for his practice.
and they went along with it, because, well, we’re taught to trust dentists!
it then goes on to share studies of people going into different dental clinics and having a way different experience with the same mouth during the same week–some dentists said the patient had cavities that needed fillings, some didn’t.
did you know that there are some cavities you can treat yourself? just by brushing better, flossing, and using anti-cavity mouth wash?
if you didn’t, it’s cause your dentist would rather get your insurance money and give you a filling! i’m not even implying that dentists are sinister, i think it’s just standard practice and so unregulated that they probably don’t even think about what they’re doing anymore.
the point
the point of all this is, you know your body the best. wearing a white lab coat does not give someone higher moral status. and it doesn’t mean they make decisions the same way you do.
trust your body. leave the room when you need to. ignore the eye rolls and ask all the questions. if you have trouble with doctors, have a goal for yourself before your next visit and don’t leave until that goal is met.
now i see medical professionals as necessary collaborators on my overall health, not the primary source of unquestionable wisdom.
if you have any doctor or dentist stories that you want to get off your chest, please leave them in the comments.
poetry for palestine online workshop
last thing–i’m hosting my second poetry for palestine workshop tonight at 7 pm ET on zoom (aka you can join from anywhere in the world, as long as you’re awake). 100% of the proceeds go to PAL Humanity Initiative, two doctors on the ground in Gaza saving lives right now.
there are still a few spots left and you can register here:
if you can’t make it tonight but want to donate, watch the recording, and do the prompts on your own after, you can register at the same link.
we’ll meditate, i’ll share some work by Palestinian poets, there will be three poetry prompts, time to write, and a space to share what you’ve written (if you’d like).
if you’re coming tonight, i’ll see you there.
if not, i’ll see you when i see you.
xoxo
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