self-abandoning
or putting the needs of a virtual stranger above my own
hello moon child and welcome to sagittarius season!
above all, sagittarius is about freedom. freedom to live life how you want, to be aligned with your higher self, to feel no restrictions or burdens. sounds nice, right? though feeling fully free might be a lifelong mission, think of small ways you can give yourself more freedom this sag season.
sagittarius also rules higher education, philosophy, and travel. so if you’ve been feeling like it’s time to learn a new skill or share your philosophies on a broader scale, now’s the perfect time.
as a sagittarius mercury myself, i feel entitled to say that sagittarius is one of the most blunt (and sometimes harsh) signs. it’s a fire sign, so it has a lot of energy, and a lot of thoughts about… everything. over the next few weeks, speak your truth, but be aware of your audience. you can be honest without being needlessly mean.
the moon
when you’re reading this, the moon will be in leo. that’s fire sun on fire moon, baby!
with the sun and sagittarius and the moon in leo, we’re definitely going to experience a little bit of fighting energy over the next two days. don’t be too scared–i think the biggest issue with intense energy is when you don’t know where it’s coming from. but now you know, so you can either join the chaos or stay home.
and one more warning for my american friends who will be gathering with family this week:
last thing, if you’ve been putting off washing or styling your hair, a leo moon is the best time to do it.
self-abandoning
let’s start with the definition. what does it mean to self-abandon?
self abandonment is when you reject, suppress or ignore part of yourself in real-time. in other words, you have a need or desire you want to meet, and (often on the spot) you make the decision not to meet it (source: nami.org).
self-abandonment goes hand in hand with people pleasing. if your caregiver didn’t tend to your emotional needs as a child, you might #1 have a hard time recognizing those needs as an adult and #2 be very likely to ignore those needs in favour of appeasing someone else.
examples of self-abandonment
not trusting your instincts: second guessing yourself, overthinking and ruminating, letting others make decisions for you and assuming they know more than you do.
people-pleasing: seeking validation from others, suppressing your needs and interests in order to please others.
hiding parts of yourself: giving up your interests and goals, not sharing your feelings.
perfectionism: having unrealistically high expectations for yourself, never feeling worthy regardless of how much you do and what you accomplish.
self-criticism and judgment: saying hurtful and mean things to yourself when you don’t meet your own painfully high standards.
not honouring your needs: not recognizing that your needs are valid, failing to practice self-care, feeling unworthy of self-care.
suppressing your feelings: pushing away uncomfortable feelings through denial, mood-altering substances, and avoidance.
not acting according to your values: doing things to please others even if they go against your beliefs and values.
codependent relationships: focusing on someone else’s needs, wants, and problems and neglecting yourself.
not speaking up for yourself: not asking for what you need, not setting and enforcing boundaries, letting people take advantage of you.
(source: PsychCentral)
if you’re saying yes, yes, yes to these… same 😭
how i self-abandon
in a recent therapy session, i was talking to my therapist about how i basically had a breakdown over not knowing if i was going to go on a date with someone. they had a friend coming to town who usually cancels on them last minute, so we had tentative plans to go out on friday… if their friend canceled on them.
i don’t know if i was trying to be flexible or a cool girl™ or both, but i agreed to wait and see.
after two days of not knowing whether or not this date was happening, i was pretty fucking distraught, but i didn’t know why. yes, this was going to be my first second date in a while. yes, i was pretty into this person. but why was i so upset over not knowing if i was gonna go for drinks?
after going over it with my therapist, i realized that the reason i was so upset over not knowing had nothing to do with the date itself. it’s that i chose the date over myself. i chose the needs of a person i had met once over myself.
i was so upset and so hurt because of the uncertainty i had created for myself. not only was i self-abandoning, i was self-rejecting. i was rejecting my need to have concrete plans, my need to put myself first, over the fear that if i wasn’t flexible enough, i wouldn’t see this person again.
i was so worried about this person I MET ONE TIME that i put their needs above mine. i was putting a virtual stranger above someone i’ve spent 29 years with (myself).
the solution
after getting off zoom with my therapist, i texted my date that they should keep their plans with their friend, and that we could reschedule for another day.
and when they tried to make tentative plans with me again, i empathized with what was going on in their life, but told them it made me anxious and i’d rather pick a day we were both definitely free.
before being in therapy, i didn’t realize that accepting tentative plans when i really wanted concrete plans was a form of self-abandonment.
(i’m not saying you should never accept tentative plans with anyone–i sometimes make tentative plans with friends i’ve known for years. and that doesn’t make me anxious, cause we have a history of showing up for each other. a little different than a second date.)
self-abandoners unite
if you’re a chronic self-abandoner, i see you and i feel you. i hope reading these examples and hearing about how it’s shown up in my dating life has shone a light on something for you. we do not have to put other people first to receive love!
and sagittarius season is the perfect time for us to free ourselves from our self-abandonment tendencies.
poetry prompt
after threatening y’all last time (thanks liam for sharing your poem), i realized that it’s ok if you’re not writing to these as soon as you read the letter. maybe you save them for later, or maybe you just like reading the poem i come up with. i accept it either way.
prompt: write about self-abandoning (lol duh)
i invited someone
to join me in the woods
but the universe said no
find pleasure by yourself instead
if this is supposed to be
you still need your solitude
need nights alone
mornings where you wake up to
your own smile
she said, baby
i’ll give you all the love
in the world
as long as you promise
to not abandon yourself again
and now, a tiktok
i wrote this whole letter and then this came up on my fyp. tiktok is reading my texts and maybe this letter.
YOU ARE WORTH THE PLAN.
that’s all for now! thank you for reading, i appreciate you ❤️
if you want to share your poem or your own self-abandonment experiences, leave me a comment:
if you know a chronic self-abandoner who needs to read this, feel free to share it with them:
anddd if you’re not subscribed, do it now to get this letter in your inbox every thursday at 10 am ET.
xoxo
m