shame

i take care of myself because i love me

hi friend,

a big part of reparenting myself has been reframing why i take care of myself.

as a kid, i was made to feel like “a pig” for eating “junk food”. i was shamed for having a messy room, called a slob for not cleaning my bathroom. i was yelled at when i left socks at the front door or didn’t put dishes in the dishwasher.

my parents spent most of their time at work, but when they weren’t working, the way they framed their leisure wasn’t that they were taking care of themselves. most of the time, i internalized my parents’ leisure as their way to get away from me.

i was never given an explanation as to why we take care of ourselves and our things. no one drew the line for me between self love, keeping my environment peaceful and connecting with my body.

it took me twenty-nine years to start reframing why i do things. thinking about chores, movement, or food as ways i show myself that i love me has made my life so much more blissful. sure, i don’t necessarily look forward to taking out the garbage because of this, but directing myself from a place of love feels so much better than doing it from a place of shame.

it used to be:

• i keep my house tidy because i would be a slob if i didn’t

• i keep my house tidy so people don’t think i’m lazy

now it’s:

• i keep my house tidy because it helps me stay calm, be present and grateful

if something takes me a while to do, like putting my laundry away, i don’t think about how it took me so long or degrade myself for not doing it right away. i am proud of myself for doing something that brings me peace, no matter when i do it.

it used to be:

• i move my body because i hate it

• i exercise to lose weight

now it’s:

• i prioritize gentle movement to connect with myself

• i move my body because i love it and am grateful for all the ways it lets me move

it used to be:

• food has morality; there are bad and good foods

• eating some foods makes me a worse person

now it’s:

• there’s no morality to eating

• i deserve to nourish myself

• i eat because it fuels me

• it is a joy to eat

it used to be:

• i get upset when i have to spend money

• everything is expensive

now it’s:

• i’m grateful i can use money to purchase things and experiences that bring me joy

• money is an energy exchange

because so many of these thought patterns were engrained in me from the day i was born, i’ll probably be working to change them my whole life. but even changing the way i think about things a few times a week has had a huge impact.

hope you’re hanging in there,
xoxo
m