toxic positivity
bad vibes only
🌧 click here to listen to my chaotic ‘november baby’ playlist
hiiii i missed you last week!
one thing about taking a break is that sometimes it can be hard to muster the motivation to get back to it. but i’m here, and i am somewhat motivated.
(ed: i completely forgot to write anything about it being scorpio season. if you didn’t know, i’m a scorpio sun and this is one of my favourite times of the year. what do you need to know for scorp season? it’s mysterious, sexy as fuck, and it does have a stinger.)
the moon
the new moon is in scorpio at 5:14 pm ET today at 12º (a pisces degree).
scorpio rules death, rebirth and transformation while pisces rules dreams, intuition, the subconscious, and endings.
this is an emotional, deep and dark energy. like bottom of the ocean deep. take time today to be in your feels, connect to water, have a bath in the dark. scorpio energy loves to get to the bottom of things, so this is your chance to do some shadow work journaling and meditate on what you want to birth in this new cycle.
if you’re a paid pitter patterer, you can see the journal prompts, manifestation tips, tarot & oracle pull, and comment for a new moon reading here (i thought it would be annoying to send two emails).
toxic positivity
i feel like getting straight to the point today! i have been toxicly positive in the past, and probably will be in the future.
that said, i’ve been trying to have more awareness around it, and the more i experience toxic positivity, the more i definitely don’t want to make people feel the way it makes me feel.
if you’ve been toxicly positive, none of this is meant to make you feel shame. a lot of things are normalized in society, and ignoring feelings in exchange for “good vibes only” has become a pretty pervasive part of our culture.
what is toxic positivity?
here’s the first result on google:
toxic positivity involves dismissing negative emotions and responding to distress with false reassurances rather than empathy. it comes from feeling uncomfortable with negative emotions. it is often well-intentioned but can cause alienation and a feeling of disconnection.
i try to be pretty real online and that includes sharing negative things that i experience.
i’m not sure if this didn’t happen to me at all a few years ago or i just didn’t have awareness around it, but the more my “online presence” (lol that’s icky to say but i don’t have a better phrase) grows, the more i’ve noticed a trend in comments or replies when i share something negative that happened to me.
i’m gonna share actual comments i’ve received. i haven’t blurred out usernames because they’re all public comments, but i trust that as a reader of this newsletter, you’re not gonna go stalk these people or message them. this post has nothing to do with them as individuals, i’m sure they’re all great people.
these comments were in response to me sharing that my new book’s first review was negative (and in my opinion, pretty mean):
i find it super interesting that all of these comments imply that i should ignore negative things that happen to me while also being (in my opinion) condescending.
if i’m acknowledging that my feelings are hurt, toxic positivity comes in almost like an emotionally immature mother, saying, no no no, don’t have silly sad feelings, you need to keep going and be proud of yourself! as if i don’t have the ability to healthily process this negative emotion and still know my worth.
if i try to put myself in the shoes of people who respond like this, it goes something like:
i see someone is sad and acknowledging something negative that happened to them
that sadness makes me uncomfortable. i don’t want to acknowledge my own sad feelings, let alone the negative feelings of others.
i want to get rid of this feeling. let me tell this person to look on the bright side. if i can’t sit with their sadness, they shouldn’t either.
how it makes me feel
if you’ve ever shared something negative online or to someone in real life and experienced a similar dismissal, you know it feels… almost as bad as the negative thing you shared to begin with?
toxic positivity makes the receiver feel unseen. like you don’t have space to hold every part of them, and you’d rather soothe your own reaction to their sadness than empathize with them.
it’s one thing when it’s online, but it’s even worse when it happens with people you trust in real life. if every time you share something that’s not sunshine and rainbows with a close friend or family member, you’re met with “things could be worse” or “look on the bright side”, not only do you experience more hurt feelings by their dismissal, you’ll learn that you can’t turn to that person to share the real shit.
what should you say instead
everyone has different preferences in how they want people to respond when they share something negative that has happened to them.
for me, it’s just holding a bit of space. it’s honestly as easy as listening to what i say, looking at it, and replying, “damn, that sucks.”
most people aren’t looking for someone to fix their problems. we’re all just looking to be seen, to be acknowledged.
this post has some great options of how to respond:
and here’s a breakdown of toxic positivity vs. healthy positivity:
sidenote: i don’t feel like fully addressing trauma dumping right now (maybe that’s a topic for a future pitter patter), but just to put it out there–if you don’t have capacity to hold space for someone when they’re coming to you with bad things that have happened to them, that’s totally ok! instead of saying, “it’s not that bad, look on the bright side”, you can say something like, “i don’t have the emotional capacity to hold space for you right now. i’m sorry this happened and i hope you’re able to get the support you need.” and if you’re going to share something heavy with a friend, it’s always nice to ask if they have the mental space to listen.
poetry prompt
let’s write baby! get out your pen, notes app, or quill and ink.
prompt: how does toxic positivity make you feel
it’s right there
can’t you see it
the big black dog
the shadow in the corner of the room
the stain that won’t come out
can you keep your eyes open
can you stop looking away
it’s right there
can you look at it with me
can you just say
you see it too
of course tiktok has lots to say about this!
i love this breakdown from nadia (she’s a social worker and psychotherapist and has great takes all around, i definitely recommend following her):
that’s all folks!
reminder to paid pitter patterers that you can read the new moon post here.
if you want to share your poem or have your own experiences with toxic positivity, i’m all ears:
if you’re reading this and you still haven’t subscribed to free pitter patter, do it here!
and if you know someone who is similarly triggered by toxic positivity, or you want to subtly hint to someone without having a difficult conversation…
happy new moon love, take care of yourself.
xoxo
m