29 lessons for 29 years
go shawty, it's my birthday
🎂 click here to listen to ‘happy birthday to me’ (warning, it’s full of bangers)
hello dearest!
today is my 29th birthday and i’m taking on the ambitious task of coming up with 29 things i’ve learned in the past 29 years.
but first, the moon.
the lunar eclipse
the moon is in taurus and it will be full at 3:57 AM ET on friday, november 19. paid subscribers, i will be sending the FULL full moon update tonight!
this full moon is also a lunar eclipse, which means even more energy than usual. remember november 2020? that was the last time we entered an eclipse cycle (which ends on december 4).
this new cycle starts on november 19 and will end with the full moon in taurus on october 28, 2023.
while the sagittarius-gemini eclipse cycle that started last year and ends on december 4th had themes of finding freedom and releasing what was holding us back, this two year taurus-scorpio eclipse cycle has energy of doing the work to make your dreams come true while discerning who and what you should keep your loyalty to (and what you need to let go of along the way).
29 lessons
as of today, i am 29! i wasn’t sure how i would feel about 29. at first i thought it was anti-climatic and kind of had the same energy as 28 (basically just waiting to be thirty).
but now that i’m 29, let me tell you, it has similar energy to 19.
i feel (what i think is) the actual self-assuredness that i thought i had at 19. plus general excitement about my life getting better every year.
alright, enough arbitrary reflections that make it seem like i think i aged a whole year in a day. here are the lessons!
(ed: after rereading these, i realize that some of them contradict each other… see #13. as a gemini rising i’m basically a walking contradiction, and if you read this letter you’re probably used to it. i guess i just want you to know that i know.)
1. you are the only one who can put yourself first
that’s it, that’s the tweet. if you don’t put yourself first, literally no one else will. and that’s ok. because we should all be putting ourselves first. not in a selfish capitalistic way, but in a “i need to take care of me in order to be able to take care of others” way.
2. you have to feel to heal
if you were the comic relief or emotional tension easer of your family growing up, you probably feel the need to put a happy face on all the time. even when you feel like shit.
28 was my first year of consistent therapy, and the biggest lesson i learned is that pushing your emotions down is the best way to make yourself feel empty. more about this in a previous edition of pitter patter.
3. you set the standard of how you want others to treat you by how you treat yourself
got a nasty inner critic? do you find it easier to put yourself down than build yourself up? though this often stems from childhood trauma, it is (sadly) our job as adults to confront our inner critics at the source. if you can’t accept unconditional love from yourself… how are you gonna accept it from anyone else? (this is definitely @ me too. though i have awareness around it now, it’s still hard fucking work.)
4. if you have anxiety, you shouldn’t drink coffee every day
if you already have an elevated heart rate every day and are generally an anxious human, coffee isn’t helping. you don’t have to give up caffeine completely, maybe just switch to matcha (it’s slower release and invokes less of the “laser” energy… if you don’t get caffeine lasers, feel free to ignore this advice. but if you do know what i mean by caffeine lasers please let me know lmao).
5. self care isn’t just for when you’re in crisis
this was one of the biggest aha! moments for me this year.
by creating a routine of care for yourself (mine includes journalling almost daily, five minutes of joyful movement in the morning, walking bea, therapy, massages, acupuncture and occasionally meditating), you build up your resilience. now, when i’m bumped out of my zone and feeling super anxious, i have this “bubble” of regular self care that keeps me more centered.
don’t get me wrong, i still get pretty intense anxiety when i’m doing things out of my comfort zone (like buying a house or dating), but these tools have decreased my feeling of helplessness when i’m in crisis mode.
6. the little things are the point of living
(crying as i write this)
i felt more joy watching bea run around the backyard of my new house than i did from the “accomplishment” of buying a house. i felt more joy today, rereading a poem i wrote that felt like a message from my past self than i did seeing my book in a store for the first time.
this could also be because i have more than one mental illness but… accomplishments don’t make me happy. a good laugh, bea’s wiggling bum, butterflies from nana. that’s why i’m here.
7. if you have 6th house placements you need a pet
i feel like only four of you are gonna understand what this means, but in astrology, the 6th house rules daily routine, wellness, healing, and connection to nature. many astrologers (including me) think of it as ruling pets too (probably because of how routine-oriented pets are).
i generally think most people should have a pet, but as someone with my sun, mercury, north node and pluto in my 6th house… ya, i definitely needed a pet.
bea changed my whole life and keeps me alive.
8. drink water
i know we all know this but. here’s a water break for you. go drink some water. i have never drank water and felt worse.
9. wear sunscreen
just put sunscreen on your face every morning. you only have one face and when the sun damages it, you can’t reverse it (without spending a lot of money and maybe looking plastic after).
here’s the one i use (it doesn’t break me out, after you put it on it doesn’t smell and you can’t feel it). if you have a medium or dark skin tone and are worried about the white cast, here, i found this list of brown-girl approved sunscreens.
i got ID’d by the mail lady for a bottle of champagne that was sent to me this week (thanks chinye) and the legal drinking age in canada is 19.
just do it.
10. blood relation doesn’t mean people get special access to you
11. start talking to your inner child
someone asked me a few weeks ago to do a pitter patter on inner child work, and i think i will. but for now, i’ll just say… there’s a tiny human who lives in your subconscious. they’re probably responsible for a lot of your self-sabotaging. and until you acknowledge them, they’re not gonna stop.
before the inner child pitter patter comes out, i highly recommend discovering the inner mother by bethany webster (there’s an audiobook too).
12. rejecting yourself is more painful than being rejected by others
you’ll often feel self-rejection when you put other people above yourself... in an attempt to not be rejected by them. being rejected by yourself hurts more.
13. so many things can be true at once
as a victim of all or nothing thinking, this took a long time for me to figure out.
you can dislike something someone did and still love them. you can watch a friend make a choice that you don’t agree with and still support them. something can make you sad and you can be grateful it happened. you can understand the reason for someone’s actions, but recognize that it crossed a boundary for you. you can tell someone “no” and still love them.
14. do whatever you want
everyone thinks about themselves more than they think about you. notice how you stop yourself from doing things because of what you think other people will think.
no one is gonna be lying on their death bed thinking about the things you did that they don’t agree with. but when you’re on your death bed, you’re gonna be thinking about what you wish you did.
15. like what you like and let other people like what they like
this is similar to #14, but don’t be a fucking hater. i am a natural born hater so i’m still working on this, but life is too short to be judging yourself and others for things that bring joy. see #6.
did i unfollow everyone who recently posted i just don’t really like taylor swift and i don’t get the excitement? ya, i did.
16. when you judge others, you’re often judging yourself
a caveat to this is if someone’s being racist, sexist, homophobic, etc.
if you’re judging someone for just being themselves and making choices that don’t hurt anyone, it’s usually something to stop and take a look at.
what about their choices remind you of yourself or past versions of yourself? are they shining a light on things you don’t want to look at that exist in you?
17. your mind controls your reality
this is less about never having a negative thought or anxiety, and more about actively seeking to reframe how you see things. accept all your feels, your anxiety, your depression. but even just changing your birth control alarm to say this is my year of dreams coming true (yes i did this) and thinking that to yourself once a day… big impact, baby!
18. you’re not too much
this is a current therapy lesson. showing up fully as yourself will never be too much. you are not dramatic, you are not too anxious, your dreams aren’t too big. you are just the right amount and you could be even more if you wanted to. recognizing your needs and asking for them to be met is just a basic part of being human (and if people have made you feel like you’re too much because of it, i’m sorry, same).
19. you need to let go to make room for better things
29 lessons is so many lmao why did i decide to do this 😂
if your life is filled with relationships you feel 50% attached to, a job you hate, family who criticize you… you’re filled to the brim, babe.
even though it’s VERY SCARY to let things go without knowing what’s coming, you have to do it. let go of the half-assed friendships and the partner who treats you poorly. not knowing is terrifying, but surrounding yourself with people who aren’t for you because you’re afraid of being alone is a waking nightmare.
every time i’ve made the decision to let go of something that was no longer serving me, the universe brought me something better. every time.
20. some people aren’t meant to be in your life forever
21. whatever you water, grows
22. pay attention to who puts effort into their relationship with you
two-sided relationships aren’t for everyone. there are many friendships, relationships, family connections, that linger just because you’re putting energy into them. i know it’s terrifying, but if you feel like you’re the only one putting in effort, stop, and see what happens. and then read #19 and 20 again.
23. you don’t need to constantly be anticipating other people’s needs
some call it being a people pleaser, i call it childhood trauma. por que no los dos? if you needed to tend to the needs of your caregivers to receive or feel love growing up, i’m sorry, same.
surprisingly, a lot of people go through life putting their own basic needs first. and not many people (and zero people you should be spending time with, unless you have a baby) expect you to meet their needs before they even know what they are. bonkers, right? see #1.
24. your body is a vessel for your soul
unless you are literally a model or have a career based on your looks… what you look like really doesn’t fucking matter. think about everyone you love and and why you love them. is anything about their appearance on those lists?
your body is here for you to live, breathe, and FEEL. if you’re lucky enough to be able to dance, skip, raise the roof (lol am i turning 50) and jump for joy, do that instead of counting calories, saying mean things to yourself in the mirror or constantly beating yourself up for not losing weight.
25. the less time you spend hating yourself, the more time you have to love yourself
26. one of the best qualities anyone can have is the ability to learn new information and change their mind
27. your 20s are for figuring things out
when i’m 40, i feel like i’ll say this about my 30s.
we live in such an achievement-focused, “hustle” culture where most people only share what’s going right for them. i bought a house before i turned thirty, i’m a published author, but i also had a panic attack last week. and i had a cookie for breakfast today.
we ascribe so much morality to accomplishments and act like the panic attacks and cookies for breakfast aren’t part of it all too.
my accomplishments don’t keep me warm at night or make me better or happier than anyone and i shouldn’t expect them to.
28. boundaries will give you freedom
you decide who gets access to you and how they interact with you. people aren’t mind readers, so if you don’t like how they’re treating you, tell them! if you never learned how to set healthy boundaries in childhood, i’m sorry, same, but you can 1000% do it now (and read set boundaries, find peace by nedra glover tawwab, or listen to the audiobook. it changed my life.).
29. you are the main character of your life
you weren’t put on this earth to be overly concerned with what other people are doing to the point where you self-abandon and self-reject on a daily basis. you were put on this earth to learn about your soul. to take no shit. and to own your shit.
babes, that’s all i got for today!
say happy birthday to me or let me know which number(s) resonated most with you:
if you know another 29-year-old or scorpio who you think might relate to this, feel free to share it with them.
and if you’re not subscribed (not even to the free version? c’mon). subscribe here as a birthday present.
xoxo
m
Happy Birthday Michaela! these lessons were all fantastic thanks for sharing them!