giving unsolicited advice
and why we should stop
happy thursday love!
between sagittarius season and the eclipse coming up on saturday, the universe is kicking my ass.
thank god for therapy, thank god snow is pretty, thank god for dogs.
before i get to the moon, i wanted to let y’all know that i was on najwa zebian’s stories of the soul podcast this week. we talk about authenticity, overcoming fear as a creative, and not letting social media distract us from why we do what we do.
it was recorded a few months ago, so it was kind of nice to listen back to a time before please love me at my worst came out. it also reminded me to start doing breath work again 😂
you can listen on spotify here and apple podcasts here.
our girl
when you’re reading this, the moon will be in scorpio.
honestly, i usually love a scorpio moon, but i think the sag season plus eclipse energy (and the fact that i’m PMSing and forgot to take my vitamins today) is making things feel OFF.
scorpio rules death, rebirth, sex, secrets, introspection, the underworld… it’s definitely a sensitive energy that makes you wanna be ALONE... but also 😈. so light some candles and sit in your basement with your heating pad. or text your sneaky link. or if you’re in a relationship, do whatever it is that y’all do.
unsolicited advice
first of all, i am definitely a repeat offender of giving unsolicited advice. i think so many of us just default to it. if someone is complaining about something or having a hard time, they MUST want advice… right?
i used to get SO FRUSTRATED when i felt like i was giving someone the best advice they could possibly ask for, only for them to come back to me about the same issues over and over again.
i since had the realization that #1, they never asked for my advice in the first place, and #2, giving out advice so freely and not being listened to was making me resent people. so i’ve tried to stop.
similarly to toxic positivity (which i wrote a pitter patter on a few weeks ago), when you give unsolicited advice, you’re often projecting onto someone, and that can lead to them feeling unseen and unheard.
what to do instead
now, whenever i remember (and i definitely slip up), i try to ask “do you want listening or do you want advice?”
(peep the above instagram post for some more options)
since i started asking this, i’ve found that more often than not, people are open to advice, but the primary reason they’re having a conversation with me is just for me to listen. they just want someone to hold space for them.
offering well-meaning advice to your friends or family in conversations is one thing, and i think we’re all working on getting better at setting boundaries with people in our lives.
but it’s a little different when you’re sending unsolicited advice to strangers on the internet.
receiving unsolicited advice online
as someone who posts a lot of things about their life online (mainly on instagram stories), this summer, i came to a head with receiving unsolicited advice in my DMs.
it lead to me posting these stories:
i am very thankful that most people reacted positively to those stories! and now i usually get asked if i want advice now when someone DMs me. i also turned off story replies from people i don’t follow so i don’t have to post “don’t give me advice” in my stories every week for new followers. i def have mixed feelings about doing this, cause i love nice replies and making friends with people i don’t already follow. but it was just becoming too much.
if anything, i think this is a good reminder for us all to check in with how we engage with people online.
even if you’re internet friends with someone, you watch all their stories, and you feel like you know them, it’s important to be mindful of the fact that how you experience the relationship and how they do might be different (i might write about parasocial relationships next week to get into this more).
i have had the urge to send unsolicited advice or even mild critique to many people i follow throughout the years. and though i can’t remember specific examples right now, i’ve probably done it!
now, after being on the receiving end, i double check myself. do i want my first interaction with this person to be advice they didn’t ask for?
there are some people who have only ever DM’d me in response to stories to either critique me or offer unsolicited advice. and they’re probably well meaning people! but maybe they don’t realize that they’re less inclined to send someone a compliment and more inclined to point out when they don’t like something or think it could be done better.
we are currently going through one of the hardest times collectively. the more we can check in with how we judge or project onto other people and give them a lil love instead, the better ❤️
poetry prompt
you know what time it is! get out your notes app or journal or palm pilot and write with me. or just read this poem.
prompt: write a poem about feeling listened to
thank you for
seeing me
through all these thorns
i thought you might get pricked
i thought you might bleed
i thought all these roses
without petals
would make you leave
but you stayed
as the last one fell
you listened to the last song
you remembered the words
it’s tiktok time, baby!
sometimes i just need to drop an unrelated tiktok into the mix.
that’s it for this week lovebug!
if you want to share your poem or give me unsolicited advice, leave a comment:
if you want to passive aggressively tell someone to stop giving you unsolicited advice, why not share this with them:
and if you’re not yet subscribed, subscribe for free to get this letter in your inbox every thursday at 10 AM ET:
last thing–if you’re running out of christmas present ideas, give someone you love a pitter patter gift subscription!
xoxo
m