on saying no

they say you can’t know what you don’t know

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hi friend,

today’s pitter patter was inspired by this ingrid michaelson song:

whenever i was asked the question, “do you have trouble saying no?” i used to be confused as to what my answer was.

i felt that i was good at honouring myself, and when asked a yes or no question, i thought i was pretty good at saying no when i needed to.

i think what always made me hesitate and not feel like i could give a straight answer was my subconscious. i had a feeling i was doing things i didn’t want to, but it wasn’t always in response to an explicit yes or no question.

the biggest realization for me is that there were situations in my life (read: mainly relationships where i had taken part in creating a trauma bond) where i didn’t even think of saying no as an option.

they say you can’t know what you don’t know.

this especially came up in my relationship with my mom and my brother (and the many other relationships i’ve created that mimic those bonds). if mom or brother asked me to do something, i just did it. they have done a lot for me, they always do things for me, thus, i must oblige with their requests, no questions asked.

now, saying no in the relationships where i didn’t realize i could say no has had the biggest impact. it’s not just about turning down requests from strangers, or being pretty good at upholding boundaries on the internet.

it’s realizing that no matter how much i love someone, i can say no to them. and they can say no to me. and i won’t be abandoned, and i won’t be rejected. and no love will be lost.

xoxo
m