hyperindependence is my fave trauma response
welcome to libra season
🌧 click here to listen to noah kahan’s new album i was/i am cause it slaps (bad luck is my fave song)
hello love bugs!
it’s libra season!
if you had a tough virgo season, libra season will feel like a relief!
goodbye grounding, hello floating.
take advantage of this energy by putting yourself out there and maybe even do things you wouldn’t usually do.
libra is the natural balancer of the zodiac (as i wrote a few weeks ago, its symbol is literally scales). if you feel out of balance, ask libra to bring it into your life.
i shamelessly love libra for the way it heightens aesthetics. doing things to make yourself feel cute is self love! i booked a lash, nail, and hair appointment plus a photoshoot for please love me at my worst without even realizing it was fuelled by libra 😂 if you’ve been thinking of changing up your look, libra will bless it!
the downfall of libra season is definitely indecision. it’s a good time to have awareness around things you’re dwelling on for TOO long and to practice trusting your intuition.
what’s up with the moon?
while the sun is in libra, the moon is in taurus! this energy is venusian as fuck (both libra and taurus are ruled by venus). romanticize your life! know that you deserve rest and luxury.
as someone who is maybeee bad at resting, i love when the moon goes into taurus. it gives me an excuse to slow down. feel like having a nap? the moon in taurus says go for it. want to make a pie? you absolutely should. the wisdom of taurus is knowing that periods of rest bring abundance.
hyperindependence as a trauma response
if you watch my insta stories, you know that i’ve been doing renovations (saved in my ‘house’ highlight if you wanna see). i got new floors this week 🎉 and part of getting new floors included bringing all my furniture downstairs and then bringing it back up again.
after struggling with my mattress for an hour and finally getting it up the stairs myself, i posted this:
and boy, did i get a lot of responses! some saying “me too,” and others saying, “damn, i didn’t know this was a thing, down the rabbit hole i go.”
because of the response, i thought i would elaborate a bit in this letter.
up until… a year ago? two years ago? (i have no sense of time anymore) i thought that being able to do everything myself was an asset. asking for help made me uncomfortable and i truly believed in the saying, “if you want something done right, do it yourself.” i would see my friend’s partners rely on them for things and think they were needy. why is everyone so bad at problem solving? why can’t they just figure it out?
and then i starting watching psychology in seattle on youtube. the channel is run by dr. kirk honda, a licensed therapist and professor. i mainly watch his 90 day fiancé reactions, and though i know it sounds dramatic, they have literally changed the way i see the world and relationships.
through reacting to the show, dr. honda talks about attachment styles, family dynamics, the ways in which childhood trauma can show up in adulthood, and how overall, people need to be around people. we are built to be social, we are built to have relationships, we are built to have attachments. and it’s absolutely normal and good to need and rely on people for things.
bonus, he approaches things from an intersectional perspective–he’s biracial, anti-racist, a feminist, great at modelling positive masculinity, LGBTQ affirming and sex positive.
going to link the playlists for some of my favourite reaction series here, with the disclaimer that a lot of the things covered can be very triggering! he often mentions it in his videos, but give yourself space to digest if you’re going to watch (i probably wouldn’t binge more than a few episodes at a time).
brandon and julia (parents who are bullies)
colt and larissa (mother-son enmeshment)
darcey (anxious and avoidant attachment in romantic relationships)
nicole and azan (black sheep family dynamic)
kalani and asuelu (mother-son dynamic in romantic relationship)
why does hyperindependence happen?
i definitely recommend talking to a licensed therapist about this, but from my understanding, if you were placed in a caregiver role growing up, if you had parents who were hands-off or straight up neglectful, or if you had parents with narcissistic traits (or all of the above), you might develop a schema (read: way of thinking) that it’s best to do things yourself.
why? cause you were either taught that you can’t rely on people or you were never shown how to healthily ask for and receive help (or both).
am i hyperindependent?
this isn’t really a clinical diagnosis, more of something to have awareness around, google, and talk to your therapist about if you have one! but here’s a list of signs i found that you could be hyperindependent.
you’re a very private person
you’re a workaholic/overachiever
you don’t delegate tasks
you have a hard time asking for help
you’re used to doing everything by yourself
you decide everything by yourself
you struggle with long-term relationships
you dislike needy people
if you want to read more, check out the article here: 8 signs of hyper independence.
so now what?
as proven by me hauling two mattresses up my stairs last week without asking for help, i don’t know if i’m the best person to give advice about this 😂 i think changing my mindset that doing everything by myself made me a stronger/better person was a good first step! and i am okay at asking for help from my family. i think, especially with the pandemic, i feel a little distanced from people that are physically near (also relates to my rejection sensitivity), so that’s made asking for help harder. i am a work in progress!
poetry prompt
last week’s letter was so long that i skipped this, but we’re back in action! grab your pen and journal or open your notes app, it’s time to write. and if you’re writing with me, don’t forget to leave your poem in the comments!
prompt: what about relying on people scares you?
it’s cold down here
but alone is what i know
i feel more seen by shadows
the living are unpredictable
prone to let downs
disappearing
leaving
i’d rather talk to ghosts
and now… to tiktok
i have a feeling that a lot of y’all will relate to this so… just gonna leave it here.
that’s all for this week my loves! i hope libra season brings you balance and blessings.
if you relate to being hyperindependent or want to share your poem, leave me a comment!
if you want to join the paid pitter patter club for new & full moon updates along with personalized readings in the comments, peep subscription options here:
anddd if you have a hyperindependent friend you want to call out, why not share this with them!
xoxo appreciate you,
m
well, i slept in and spent wayyy too much money on clothes this morning. welcome taurus moon❤️
these newsletters are still one of my favourite things to read every week!
thanks for the openness and solid recommendations!