i swear i'm not angry

that's just my face

Aug 19, 2021

🌧 click here to listen to phoebe bridgers’ punisher because it was her birthday this week and it’s one of my few no skip albums

before i even say hello, let’s take a collective deep breath.

breathe in for four.

hold for four.

breathe out for four.

ok hi my loves! the current energy did not come to play and to be honest… i am having a hard time dealing with it.

Ely Kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl

“are u ok?” of course not next question

thankfully, the moon is in capricorn, which is one of the most grounding signs for it to be in. capricorn is an earth sign and has practical and productive boss energy. it’s also cardinal, which amps up the “get shit done” vibe–cardinal energy is awesome for starting projects or doing things you’ve been putting off.

me, you, and the universe

i feel so much heaviness and sadness from all over right now. if you’re reading this, my guess is that you’re somewhat tapped into your intuition and the collective. and one of the hardest things to do is figure out what energy is yours and what’s being projected onto you.

Kemi (they/them) @melanatedmomma

you can be highly intuitive and still really struggle with your mental health. it is ok.

i even forgot that “discerning what energy is mine” was something i could do over the past week. i was entirely scattered. completely living outside my body. and then on friday, i realized i had abandoned a ton of my self care practices for the last few weeks. i was journaling, meditating, and going on walks every day, but i was also very inside myself (read: hermitting).

i got so caught up in moving and dating (more on that later) that i let myself float away. and i was feeling anxious! so anxious that even journaling through some of my spirals didn’t make them stop.

i hadn’t been to yoga in a while, no therapy in over a month, no acupuncture or massages, hadn’t got a pedicure, hadn’t got my nails or hair done. so of course i was feeling floaty.

once i had this realization, i booked a ton of shit. if you’re in kitchener, i highly recommend three tides wellness. they have great massage therapists, reiki practitioners, acupuncturists and yoga instructors. and so many nice crystals in the waiting room that you can purchase!

threetideswellness

A post shared by @threetideswellness

on tuesday, i did an access bars and intuitive energy healing session with raluca, and it moved so much stagnant and unbalanced energy for me. the access bars treatment is when a practitioner gently touches 32 points in your head to help release negative thought patterns. i released a lot–i had to stop in the middle to pee even though i went before the session 😂

related tangent–this is embarrassing for me to admit, but i don’t fall asleep in my bed. i usually fall asleep to the tv on my couch, and then wake up sometime in the middle of the night and go to my bed. i know this is not good for my neck, quality of sleep, or general wellbeing, but it’s a habit i got into at the beginning of the pandemic and… i find it very comforting and hard to stop.

but last night, after the access bars treatment and reiki, i actually went to bed properly.

baby steps!

dating in the time of corona

part of what was giving me a lot of anxiety last week is that i went on a date and actually liked the person.

as mentioned in a previous edition of pitter patter, it’s very rare for me to like people. so i was even more anxious after this date. and extremely spirally.

did they like me?

are they gonna text me?

should i text them?

is this red flag really a red flag?

if i went on a date with me, what would the red flags be?

after having a few days to think about it, i realized i had gone the whole week before the date without really talking to anyone in person (aside from chats with baristas).

imagine the energy you bring to a date if you haven’t had an in-person conversation in a week…. i’ll wait. imagine how easy it is to like someone if they’re the first person you’ve talked to in five days.

needless to say, this person did not message me after our date. and i kinda feel like they should send me an invoice for spending time with my hermit ass.

though i was sad and disappointed that i didn’t hear from them, and i deleted my dating apps for a few days because i was feeling jaded, i have a better perspective today.

even if i wasn’t my most grounded or best self, i enjoyed this person’s company, had a good time, and learned something from the experience:

dating is about how the other person lets you see yourself

one, that dating is really about how the other person lets you see yourself. though i can’t be entirely sure because i didn’t record the interaction, i probably wasn’t projecting a very interesting version of this person back to them, because i was mainly interested in talking about myself after being isolated for a week.

i can be guarded, but it’s not always a bad thing

two, that i can be really guarded. after overthinking this date for… let’s just say, too long, i realized that a red flag that came up early in the date–i wasn’t going to write it “in case they read this” but that is highly unlikely and also who gives a fuck. they had just started dating someone in march 2020 (read: literally a few days before lockdown), moved in with them, got a dog, recently broke up and have shared dog custody.

thinking back on the date, i kept being like, ugh, i probably didn’t seem that interested. or ugh, why didn’t i ask them more about this. or ugh, why wasn’t i more flirty.

but i think that knowing they just got out of a relationship and had joint custody of a dog put up a little wall for me. and i realized that i didn’t lean in as much because it felt like they still had some cords to cut.

at first, i really criticized that wall. i thought of everything that built that wall. my childhood emotional neglect, the guy with the dog that ended up having a girlfriend of seven years (also known as the inspiration for you’ll come back to yourself), that one time i went on a second date with someone who didn’t want to be there.

i started doing heart opening meditations because i thought i was being closed off for no reason.

but then, i realized that some of my guardedness is useful. and it’s ok to feel a little unsure and pull back a bit if you intuitively feel like someone isn’t ready to date you.

i want to put myself out there in dating, i want to be vulnerable, i want to open up to people, but if there’s a little voice in me that’s saying no, it’s okay to listen to it and not judge myself for putting up a small wall.

𝐁 👼💫 readings OPENED @astrotarotluv1

i need more effortless in-person social connection

three, i was reminded that as a self-employed person, i need to actively seek out social interactions so that i can function in society.

which leads me to…

coworking

though i absolutely love being self-employed and alone a lot of the time, i miss having work friends! there is something so nice about having lunch with a group of people without having to make plans in a group chat, small talk around the coffee machine, seeing the same faces every day.

now that i’m fully vaccinated, i’m going to try working out of a coworking space a few times a week. i know it won’t be the same as having a job, especially with social distancing, but i think it’s a step in the right direction.

poetry prompt

it’s time for another pitter patter poetry prompt! as always, feel free to share your poem in the comments or tag me in it on social media. reading your poems every week is one of my fave parts of writing this letter.

prompt: write a poem to your anxiety

is this the line for lobotomies
i’d love one
i told you to stop thinking
but you came up with more words instead
what is it like to feel peace?
i’ve lived a lifelong civil war
the battlefield is my frontal lobe
and no one ever wins

the only guarantees in life are death and tiktoks

even though i think being guarded can sometimes be a good thing, i’m still working on becoming more emotionally available. i’ve been doing the meditation suggested in this tiktok and it feels really powerful.

last thing–i wanted to give a special thank you to the first founding member subscriber of pitter patter, valerie! you are too sweet and i appreciate your support so much. looking forward to sending you a signed copy of please love me at my worst in october 🌧

that’s it for this week, my loves!

remember that you deserve to take care of yourself ❤️

i would love to know more about you! drop a comment and introduce yourself. lemme know your name, astrological sign, where you’re from, some of your interests, and how you found pitter patter 👇🏼